You Suck!

Let’s be honest here, YOU suck as a driver. Oh I know you say “No way he’s talking to me”. Oh but I am, I really am.

I’ve spent almost a year watching you as a civilian with cops eyes. You see when I was a cop, you saw me and you straightened up, flew right so to speak. You slowed down, you put your phone down, wore your seatbelt, stopped at stop signs, got out of the left lane and did all the things you were supposed to do because you didn’t want a ticket. “Fuck that Cop, man”.

But when cops aren’t around you drive like assholes. Stop Sign? Who cares! Cell phone? I’m talking or texting you other people be damned! Lines on the road? Pfft, not for me!

I’ve been watching and I’m amazed that many of you ever arrive at your destination in one piece. I always say it’s a matter of time and unfortunately for some of you that will be true.

When I was a cop I always heard “Don’t you have anything else better to do”? My answer “Not at this moment”. “Why aren’t you out catching real criminals”? “Well I would be if you weren’t driving like a total douche”. No I never said that but man did I want to. You see traffic laws are in place for a reason, its proven that if you STOP at a stop sign, properly look both ways and YIELD to oncoming traffic it’s 99.9999999% non-fatal. Sure a tree branch could fall on you and crush your car even if you do everything right. It’s when you don’t do any of those things that you begin to run into trouble.

You don’t have a God given right to drive in the left lane, in fact the left lane is for PASSING only. Look it’s not enforced as a passing lane all that often, but if you are one of those “I’ll show them” type of people doing the speed limit in the left lane while people are whizzing by you on your right giving you the stink eye…YOU ARE A DOUCHE! Not the people speeding, they are moving with traffic YOU are the hazard and YOU will be pulled over. “I was doing the speed limit officer”! YOU were impeding the flow of traffic dummy. MOVE! If the speed limit says 55, it’s realistic to expect traffic to be doing 65, maybe even 70. Anything more than that you’re asking to get pulled over. But if you’re doing 55 or 56 in that left lane you’re going to have issues.

While we’re on the topic of speeding…if you’re going fast and suddenly see a police car running radar on the side of the road. Looking down to pretend you’re adjusting you radio doesn’t work. “If I don’t see him he can’t see me” is just wishful thinking. If we don’t pull out after you, consider yourself lucky. You either weren’t going fast enough for us to create a safety hazard tracking you down or we were asleep (WHAT? Cops never sleep!) There have been plenty of nice sunny warm days where I set up radar only to be lulled into drooling by the rhythmic sounds of traffic and the warmth of the sun. You of course pick that time to be lost, stop, get out of your car and tap on my window to ask for directions. For the record I was NOT asleep, I was using what’s known as the mind to radar unit technique in which we…aw forget it it’s complicated and you wouldn’t understand.

I hate talking on the phone! I hate talking on a cell phone I hate YOU when you’re talking on the cell phone…What’s the difference between talking on the cell phone and talking to someone in the car. Your hand is holding the cell phone or you have it sandwiched between your ear and your shoulder so you’re driving down the road with your head sideways! Hands free I can deal with it, but not when you’re on the phone in the left freaking lane doing 25 in a 55 because you CAN NOT DO TWO THINGS AT ONCE! Hang the fuck up! And texting while driving…What are you a freaking idiot?!? Seriously, you’re 45 years old why are you texting anyone to begin with. But even if you are, because as you’ve told me when I pulled you over, “It’s an emergency” Something that was so dire required you to type each word in. It couldn’t wait for you to get home and break the news to the family that Grandma just died, NO you cold callous miserable person that was news you decided needed to be texted. Shame on you…GET THE HELL OFF THE PHONE and DRIVE!

Cops make you nervous I get it. You see a cop and suddenly its ass pucker time, but if you aren’t doing something wrong why worry. Guilty conscious? Shit I hope he didn’t see me do that. Or oh CRAP I was speeding where did he come from I didn’t see him. Then they pass you because theyhave better things to do or they’re going to catch real criminals and you just flat out disrespect us. “Fuck you, cop”. That’s so uncalled for and frankly it’s pretty darn hurtful. What? You don’t think the NSA is listening to you in your car and reporting to us? Silly, we heard you singing Jessie’s Girl at the top of your lungs!

And for the Love of GOD, those lines on the road they aren’t a suggestion, hey maybe drive here. Stay in those lines. Don’t straddle them, don’t put your tire on it as if it will magically guide you home. Only do these things when you are drunk. Always remember when you are drunk use the lines as a guide, straddle the lines. Weave back and forth in complete freedom, this way you’ll signal to the cops you’re drunk and you can have a party in the back seat of the cop car. It’s so cool, they take you on a ride along, and you get to see the inside of a police station (the inner workings) not the lobby like those other lame-o’s. You get to blow into a really cool machine and see the inside of a jail cell. And then you get to share the moment with a friend or a loved one when they come pick you up in the middle of the night. Sounds like fun. If you’re really special and you treat the officer poorly, and spit on him, and kick him or punch him you’ll get to see how officers use their hands to subdue people. More fun you say? Refuse to cooperate even when the officer tells you to stop resisting and then you get to feel and taste what really really really really really really hot peppers feel like…they feel like FREAKING DEATH! You don’t want that, unless you’re Goth and then maybe you do. I don’t know. Hey but what do I know, I’m a civilian that watches you drive like an asshole every day, I’ll make it to my destination, unfortunately you’ll probably make it to your Final Destination. (Did I just reference a movie? I sure did!!!!!)

Move over, stop, yield, put the phone down, slow down or speed up, stay in your lane, don’t drink and drive, eat your vegetables, tell your family you love them and don’t have unprotected sex with a stranger, follow those rules and you’ll be ok kid!